


Drown

by hauntedbyangels



Category: Dear Evan Hansen - Pasek & Paul/Levenson
Genre: Alternate Universe - Everyone Lives/Nobody Dies, Angst, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Angst with a Happy Ending, Anxiety, Based on a song (sort of), Bisexual Male Character, Book Spoilers, F/F, Friends to Lovers, Galaxy Gals, Gay Connor Murphy (Dear Evan Hansen), Homophobic Language, Honestly this is DEH you should know what to expect, I'm Bad At Tagging, Implied Sexual Content, Implied/Referenced Homophobia, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, M/M, Mild Sexual Content, Panic Attacks, Self-Harm, Slow Burn, Slow To Update, Social Anxiety, Sorry this isn't happy, Suicide Attempt, it takes awhile, it's a lot, like a w h i l e
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-11-06
Updated: 2018-12-18
Packaged: 2019-08-19 09:54:51
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 6,359
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16532294
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/hauntedbyangels/pseuds/hauntedbyangels
Summary: Another Connor lives fic to warm our souls after the Dear Evan Hansen book.Warning, this fic will have references to stuff that happened in the book canonically and minor spoilers.Evan never thought his life would cross with the Murphy's in any way. They were more of a pipedream to chase after than anything. The people you looked at and just knew you'd never be like. Well, at least Zoe was like that. Connor, on the other hand, was angry, rough, and wanted nothing to do with Evan Hansen's presence.At least, that's what Evan thought.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Hey guys! It's been a while since I've written anything for this website, you can blame college honestly, it's been a whole lot to deal with and I'm still not used to it after a year and a half. So! Please be patient with this fic, I get wanting regular updates but personal projects tend to come after school, work, and friends.  
> I do plan to see this through, I know I haven't finished projects before but I've been pretty sad about not writing as much so maybe this can be a good turn-around. 
> 
> Please read the tags for general TW's, I will try to warn you about specific triggers at the beginning of chapters in the future.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW's: Thoughts of worthlessness and suicidal thoughts

_ Well, I’m so tired of the rain falling softly on the ground, just enough to get my feet wet but not enough to let me drown. _

He couldn’t take it anymore. Of course, he couldn’t.

It had already been too long. Too much pain. Too much of  _ everything _ .

_ You’re such a fucking  _ **_freak_ ** **.**

Those words rang through his head on repeat.  _ Freak. _ Of course, he was, he’d heard it before--many times--so why did it continue to sting? The hollow ache had been spreading through his lungs all day, choking the last bit of light out of him.

He couldn’t even pretend that he was getting better at this point. He was surrounded by nothing but a dark cloud. It was a never-ending cycle of fluctuating between anger, nothing, and everything at once. He was sick of it. Sick of feeling like this. Sick of struggling to stay afloat. Sick of floundering towards the smallest gasp of relief when it was clearly so much easier to drown.

Connor Murphy laid his head on his desk. This fucking sucked.

 

Evan Hansen felt like he was going to vomit. He could still feel where he hit the ground hard earlier and the stares that followed. That was probably the worst part, everyone  _ staring _ . He couldn’t move in that moment, he was frozen, cold sweat trickling down his spine. Somehow he had managed to pull himself up and flee to his next class but that certainly didn’t cure the feeling of everyone’s eyes following him. Logically, he knew no one was even thinking about him even more, but what if they were? They were probably laughing behind his back about how dumb he looked just sitting there in utter fear after Connor Murphy had shoved him to the ground. He felt queasy just thinking about how this was the start to his year, he would have to avoid Connor for the rest of the year. Not that Evan was very noticeable, but now Connor had marked him as an easy target. 

He felt like he was going to puke.

_ Hold it together, idiot! It’s only the first day!  _

Evan snapped his attention back to the board. He should be paying attention, he liked environmental science, this was supposed to be the highlight of his day. Evan wiped his clammy hands off on his khakis and picked up his pencil, trying to focus on what she was saying about natural resources. 

The day couldn’t end sooner. 

 

Connor wasn’t about to take anyone else’s shit that day. He had already decided how the day was going to end. He wasn’t coming back to this hellhole ever again. Not if he could help it, and he could, it wasn’t like the therapy or rehab ever worked, right? He was broken, beyond help. Nothing helped anymore, it was like he was a kettle, overflowing with boiling emotions that would scald anyone who came too close. 

They would be better off without him. Everyone would.

His dad wouldn’t have to complain about how much of an unfixable mistake he was anymore. His mom wouldn’t have to cry over him. Zoe wouldn’t have to hide away in her room and keep her distance anymore. 

The kid he pushed in the hallway would be relieved too… Evan. That was his name if Connor recalled. Evan wouldn’t have to worry about being targeted by his crazy, school-shooter looking classmate anymore.

The world would move on. It would only end for him, and honestly, there wasn’t much to end for him. He was a failure who would only continue to waste space if he stayed.

He didn’t have a place or a purpose.

That was until he witnessed someone push Evan Hansen down a flight of stairs.

 

Evan wasn’t exactly sure what happened. Sure, he was usually top-notch at predicting every route that could possibly go wrong in his day, but being shoved down a flight of stairs somehow hadn’t made it onto his list of ‘worst possible outcomes’ for the first day of senior year. Evan was absolutely certain that everything else was on his list, but staircases hadn’t crossed his mind. 

He wasn't entirely sure what had happened. Evan was making his way towards his fourth period as normal, unnoticeable, trying to be as invisible as possible. He’d heard voices behind him, someone snickering and the mention of  _ Connor Murphy _ . That alone had made even walk a little faster until he had gotten to the stairs heading down towards his Government class.

Then there was a hand on his shoulder.

He didn’t have the chance to look before the shove.

Evan lost his balance immediately and before he could regain it he was falling.

Again.

It was worse than the first push of the day, way more humiliating as well, toppling down a flight of stairs. He hit the bottom hard, hitting his broken arm against the floor and the weight of his backpack dragging him full force to the ground. A stabbing pain shot through his broken arm as he tried to pull himself off the ground. What the hell was going on? He had never been targeted twice in one day like this, no one noticed him enough to go after him. Evan felt himself trembling,  _ shit, not now, _ he definitely felt like he was going to cry. He tried to breathe but his lungs were seizing up, Evan couldn’t handle a whole year of this, he wouldn’t be able to make it through if this was what his everyday was going to look like. He’d barely made it through sophomore year when some jackass had decided to make Evan his personal punching bag for half of the year before getting expelled. He couldn’t do this, no way, he should have climbed higher over the summer--

“Hansen, you okay?”   
  


Connor froze as the blonde boy tumbled down the stairs. He heard the boys in front of him snickering as they fled the scene. It really wasn’t his problem, Connor decided, there was no point in him getting involved because it wasn’t as if he would make a difference. His voice hadn’t mattered for all of his life so why would it matter now? Connor had already decided that he wasn’t going to put up with another year of this. What difference would it make if he got involved now? 

He watched the two idiots who had pushed Evan walk down the hall, mentally noting what they looked like out of habit. Connor really had no reason to get involved.

_ Hansen probably thinks I was the one who pushed him. _

Connor grit his teeth. It didn’t matter what Hansen thought. It’s not like he would be totally wrong to assume that it had been Connor, yet still, it made his stomach churn.

_ Fuck it, might as well go out with one good thing under my belt. _

He finally moved from the spot where he had been frozen, Hansen was still at the bottom of the stairs, looking a bit worse for wear at this point. God, the kid had a broken arm for god’s sake! Who in their right mind would shove him?

Well, Connor did, but he also decided he wasn’t exactly in his right mind either.

“Hansen, you okay?” Connor asked, making it to the bottom of the stairs in record time.

Evan’s eyes snapped up to Connor in panic. “Uh, yup, fine! I’m… I’m great.” He got out, his voice was strangled with panic, it was something that Connor recognized all too well. 

_ This is your fault. He thinks this is your fault. _

“I didn’t push you, by the way,” Connor said unceremoniously. Evan nodded with a clear lack of sincerity, clearly, Connor hadn’t been very convincing. 

“R-right.” Evan pulled himself up from the ground, he was trembling and honestly, Connor was wondering how the other boy was even managing to stay upright at this point. “I have class…” He stated dully.

“So do I,” Connor said. “That doesn’t mean anything.”

Evan wouldn’t look at him, it made Connor’s stomach clench with guilt. “It means I’m leaving.” 

“You should go home.”

Evan shrugged, wiping his eyes quickly. Was he… crying? His eyes did look a little watery. Warranted, Evan  _ had  _ just gotten pushed down a flight of stairs. 

“I can drive you…?”

Evan shook his head. “It’s fine.” He sounded nervous. Connor was making him nervous. Great. 

“Look,” Connor started, Evan flinched. “I’m sorry about earlier, let me help you out now, okay?”

“I can’t skiponthefirstday!” Evan got out in a garbled rush. “I have to go to class, see you later uh or something like that,” With that, the other boy took off towards his next class without looking back.

Connor watched him go, thoughts drifting back to the jerks who shoved Evan in the first place.

“I’m going to make them fucking pay.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading! Sorry, there was like no dialogue in this chapter. Also, lemme know if any of the characters seemed drastically OOC, I tried my best lol. 
> 
> I'll try to get the next update out sometime this weekend!
> 
>  


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW: Suicidal thoughts, steps are taken towards an attempt, pill mention
> 
> I made a playlist for this fic [Click Here!](https://open.spotify.com/user/leolile/playlist/76cqdm9nfLmN93w0k6A9om?si=wQqsybgVR-miXsyXA8OWrw)

_ Don’t know how to tell myself just _

_ Stop. Breathe. _

By the time Evan was in his last class he was so emotionally drained he didn’t think he could physically go on. He quickly found his spot at one of the tables near the back in the art room and immediately put his head down on the table. He could feel a few people look at him but their attention was quickly turned to other things as they got settled.

Today had not been a good day. It wasn’t going to be a good day or a good week or a good year. Evan tried to keep his breathing steady. 

“Evanescence! You didn’t tell me you’d be in this class,” A familiar voice chimed. Evan dragged his head up from the desk. Jared. Who else would be able to come up with stupid, humiliating nicknames and associate with Evan? No one. 

“You, uh, you never asked…?”

Jared sat down across the spattered art table from Evan. “Yea I know, I don’t actually care, just glad I know someone!”

Evan bit his bottom lip hard. He wasn’t expecting anything less. It wasn’t going to be a good year. “Right… uh same, I guess.”

“You don’t have to sound so sure of yourself all the time, Evan,” Jared commented sarcastically. 

Before Evan had the chance to respond--probably with something really witty like ‘Sorry’--the teacher started class. Jared’s attention was focused on his phone as attendance as called. Evan waited for his name anxiously until it was called. 

It wasn’t long before Evan’s anxiety flared up again, it happened as soon as the art teacher called the name “Connor Murphy?”

Jared shot a look at Evan and then around the room. Connor wasn’t in the classroom. He must have left. If they had any luck, Connor wouldn’t  _ ever _ be in this class. Evan swallowed dryly. Sure, Connor had acted decently after watching Evan get targeted by someone who  _ wasn’t _ him, but how long would that last? Connor had been the first incident of the day after all. 

Jared swiveled towards Evan on his stool. “Great. We have the freak in this class too. Why did I have to get put with  _ two  _ social disasters?”

Evan didn’t respond. He was too focused on his own racing thoughts. 

He just needed to go home. Everything was really too much. He probably should have taken Connor’s advice earlier and left because now he was on the verge of a full breakdown. 

Today couldn’t be over any sooner.

 

Connor was staring at the ceiling, his mind racing. He had all afternoon to go to the bathroom, grab a bottle of pills, and leave, but so far he hadn’t been able to get himself to move. His jaw ached from where he had gotten punched and his cheek itched with dried blood. After Evan Hansen had bolted off to class, Connor went to have a word with the two jerks who had attacked him. It turned out that Connor was able to take both of them at once with minimal damage. They both looked a lot worse than he did with a split lip and bruised cheek. 

In short, they wouldn’t go after Evan again, so his work was done. 

Plus, he had decided that he wasn’t going to let himself put up with another day of that shit, so he really should get a move on. His mom would be home soon and if he wasn’t gone then he would have no chance of leaving later. Sure, he could try to sneak out, but his parents had become annoyingly aware of the fact that he was coming and going through the second story window as he pleased and it hadn’t gone over so well. It was getting dark. Zoe was probably holed up in her room and Larry was on a business trip. He really had to get going now if he was going to fucking do it. 

Connor managed to roll out of bed, his body feeling heavy. 

He wasn’t going to go through another day of this.

Without another thought, he pocketed a bottle of pills from the bathroom cabinet and made his way out the door.

Connor Murphy started walking.

It was still warm out. A warm summer’s evening that might have been warmer had anyone else been making their way through the growing dusk. 

He really didn’t know where he was going, he just wanted to be away from home when he did it. Hopefully, someone else would find him then. Sure, he was an uncurable fuckup, but he wasn’t about to let his mom or Zoe find him. They didn’t deserve that. 

They didn’t deserve a lot of what Connor had put them through. 

They would be better off without him.

Everyone would. 

He scratched idly at the dried blood on his cheek, he definitely had some good bruises, but the other guys looked way worse. 

The familiar creak of a swing rang through the air as Connor approached a small park. He was probably a mile or two from home. He’d been walking for a while now. 

His mom was probably home by now. Connor wondered if she knew he was gone yet, or if she’d noticed the pills missing from the cabinet. Would she have noticed that fast? Or would she have assumed he was out smoking weed again? 

Connor sighed. She was probably calling his phone like mad, too bad it was still sitting on his bed. Sitting on his bed, waiting for a reply that might have stopped him from all of this. The one person who made him feel like  _ something _ had clearly ditched him too.

And honestly, Connor had never felt lonelier. 

He needed it to stop. The hurt, the tears, the  _ hate _ . 

The summer had been dark, darker and lonely, and now, even when he spent a day surrounded by familiar faces, he was still so obviously alone.

It hurt more than he could have ever imagined.

He stopped in front of the small park. It was dark by now, he could see the faint outline of someone sitting alone on the swings. Maybe he wasn’t the only one out with this idea tonight. Maybe he should find another spot, but he was tired of waiting. He took a step into the park, he could just scare whoever it was off, or maybe he’d get lucky and find out that they were a crazy serial killer or something. This was  _ his _ spot after all. 

He heard a faint sniffle, were they crying? Maybe he should just keep walking, he could always find another park.

Then again, he was able to see a stark white cast through the low-light and suddenly Connor knew he couldn’t walk away. 

Slowly, he approached the swings and sat down next to Evan Hansen, who was swinging gently while tears cascaded down his face. The pills in his pocket rattle slightly as Connor pushed the swing into motion. Evan had definitely noticed his presence but was choosing not to acknowledge the taller boy swinging next to him.

Connor took a deep breath, looking up at the sky. It was too cloudy to see the stars, but there was a nice purple, orange-ish tint to the clouds above. 

“What are you doing here?” Evan asked finally, wiping the tears from his face. He sounded tired--too tired to care about being polite. Connor preferred the other boy’s bluntness anyway.

“Just needed to get out for a while,” Connor replied with a shrug, giving himself another soft push to keep the swing moving. “You?”

Evan didn’t reply. He was staring at the ground, his fingers tangled in the bottom of his shirt. 

“So, what happened?” Connor tried again.

“Excuse me?” Evan asked, shooting a confused look at Connor.

He glanced over. “Your arm, what happened?”

“Oh, this? I uh… I fell out of a tree.” 

Connor blinked. “You fell out of a tree.”

“Uh, yea…”

“That is the saddest fucking thing I’ve ever heard.” He couldn’t help himself. It probably didn’t help Evan’s upset state at all, but it didn’t help Connor’s to pretend he didn’t find the story a bit pathetic.

Evan’s gaze drops. So does Connor’s. He clearly wasn’t making this situation any better.

“No one’s signed it?”

Evan nods. “No, I know,”

“I will.”

“Oh, you don’t… uh, you don’t have to…” Evan mumbles, he still wouldn’t look at Connor. 

“I might have a sharpie,” Connor said, digging through the pockets of his hoodie. Cigarettes? Nope. Lighter? No. Pills? Definitely not. He was aware of the rattle from the pill bottle and how ridiculous he looked digging through his pockets. Connor just hoped that Evan wasn’t reading too much into the consistent rattling of pills in his pocket, that could get awkward. 

Evan bumped his arm a moment later to get his attention. Connor startled a bit, looking over to find the other boy offering him a sharpie. Connor’s heart sunk a bit, Evan had been hoping that  _ someone _ might ask throughout the day, he had been anticipating it if he had a sharpie ready. No one had asked. The only attention Evan got that day was because Connor started a domino effect by shoving Evan in the cafeteria.

Connor gingerly took the sharpie. He felt like he needed to hold his breath to avoid anything harsh from pouring out. He felt horrible about what had happened earlier, he just hadn’t been able to control the anger. Kleinman was an asshole, yes, but Evan had only been collateral damage from his friend's harsh words. Not even Jared had stopped to sign Evan’s cast. They were supposed to friends, right? Or maybe Evan followed Kleinman around like a dog because no one else would give him the time of day. It wouldn’t surprise Connor, it’s not like Evan Hansen had ever made an impression on him before today. He knew Hansen was a loner, he knew they’d been going to the same school since kindergarten, and yet, he knew nothing about the other boy. 

Evan probably didn’t know much about Connor either, besides all of the awful things people said about him. Connor had made an impression, not a good one, but at least people knew to stay away from him.

Which was probably why Evan Hansen was looking anywhere but at Connor.

Connor bit off the cap of the sharpie and lifted Evan’s arm gently. The sharpie squeaked against Evan’s cast as Connor covered the cast with freakishly large letters. He really had no sense of shame as he wrote his name across the entire surface of the boys cast. 

“Voila,” Connor said, capping the sharpie as he finished. Evan finally looked down at his cast.

“Oh, wow, thanks,” He said a bit dully. Connor handed the sharpie back to him. 

“Now we can both pretend that we have friends.” He said, kicking his swing back into motion. Evan nodded, staring at his cast. Connor felt a twinge of guilt. Really, he shouldn’t be talking to Evan right now, he was on the edge and for some reason he couldn’t stop himself from trying one last time. He just wanted someone to  _ see _ him. He just needed one  _ goddamn  _ sign. 

His chest was tight as Evan continued to stare at the ground. Everything hurt. If he was being honest, Connor didn’t know how he was still capable of breathing with every negative emotion stabbing into his chest. 

“What… uh, what happened to your face?”

Connor’s attention snapped back to Evan. The other boy looked away quickly. “Oh, I got into a fight.”

Evan fidgeted uncomfortably. “Why?”

“This might sound pretty hypocritical, but I don’t like bullies.” Connor winced. Did people perceive him as a bully? Evan maybe after the whole fiasco from earlier that day, but he had never intentionally bullied someone for the sake of being a monster. He kept to himself and fought back when he needed to, but he wasn’t inherently  _ bad. _ Just, kind of mean sometimes.

“Oh…” Evan said. “If this is about... About what Jared said then--”

“What?” Connor frowned. “I wasn’t talking about that!”

Evan blinked. “Then… who was bullying you?”

“They weren’t going after me, dummy, but they were going after you.”

The blonde boy swallowed nervously, “Oh, you didn’t have to--why would you--uh, I was fine! You didn’t have to go after them for me… I mean--why would you? You don’t--we’re not friends? I didn’t expect you to--I mean, you hate me, right? You should!” Evan rambled.

“I don’t hate you.” Connor rolled his eyes. “I don’t even fucking know you.”

“Exactly! So why would you defend me?” 

“I felt bad about pushing you.”

“Okay… uh thanks, I guess?” Evan sounded so damn nervous, it was starting to grate on Connor’s nerves. He shouldn’t have sat down in the first place. He was going to go fucking kill himself anyway, why the fuck was he trying to make an impression on Evan before he died? So Evan could go tell everyone that Connor was actually not insane? That he wasn’t all that bad? Yeah right, Evan wouldn’t have the guts, nor was Connor doing enough to have even one person stand up for him. Why did he even want someone to stand up for him once he was gone? So his family would have  _ something  _ to hang onto once Connor was dead? One person, to say that Connor made the slightest bit of a difference? 

There was no fucking point. Who would even believe that?

“Don’t mention it,” Connor said, his tone was harsher than he meant it to be. Before he could take the way Evan flinched to heart, Connor stood up. He needed to get away. Run, just keep fucking running away from everything that could hurt. He couldn’t own it, he had to make this stop.

“Connor!” Evan’s voice rang through the dark a bit too desperately. Connor froze, his whole body felt numb.

“Uh, yeah?” Connor replied shakily, turning enough to see Evan watching him from the swing. 

“I’ll… see you tomorrow?” Evan asked, giving Connor an uncertain smile. “I think we have art together?”

“Oh, I didn’t know that,” Connor replied, his mind screaming against what he was saying. “But, yea, uhm, I’ll see you tomorrow.”

He could see Hansen’s hopeful smile for a long while after he walked away.

It haunted him every time his thoughts flitted back to the bottle of pills in his pocket.

Who was he to let Evan Hansen down?


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm not even sorry about how long this took, I've figuratively been dying for the past month so this fic was the last thing on my mind lmao.   
> TW: general anxiety and thoughts of uselessness

_ God knows I’m trying to get a new perspective, push the boat to face a new direction. _

When Evan woke up the next morning he felt incredibly heavy. His eyelids wouldn’t stop drooping as he rolled out of bed. The world felt like it was sitting on his shoulders, forcing him to the ground. He would give anything to go back to bed and sleep the day away. 

_ Dear Evan Hansen… today is going to be a good day and here’s why:  _

He couldn’t think of a reason that this day could go well. God, it was the second day of senior year and he was wishing that he could run away and never look back. Maybe he could become an isolated sheepherder or build a hut in the woods where no one would find him. He could probably live in the woods--he knew a lot about nature after all. Yet, he was probably the wimpiest person alive, he would last a week at most. 

He stumbled around his room clumsily getting ready for school. God, he was so sick of this, hadn’t they all been in school long enough already? Who designed this hell system? Evan was too tired for all of this, he was just going to be anxious all day anyway which would make him even  _ more  _ tired and then he would spend the night alone watching documentaries and hating the fact that he was physically unable to order pizza without a full-blown panic episode. This was what the next year was going to look like, every year since his mom started school again and working more had looked like this. Sometimes he went to Jared’s house and watched him play video games. Jared’s mom always made really good food--well in comparison to what Evan was used to any home-cooked meal was good. Sure, he cooked for himself a lot too, it was easier than ordering food, but he was always alone. There was something nice about eating with other people. 

But not eating in the cafeteria type of eating with other people, that was really bad actually, Evan always sat next to people who didn’t talk to him and that wasn’t nearly the same. Plus, Evan usually fled to the library to eat when he could because there was no point in sitting in a loud, crowded room alone. It made everything feel worse, made Evan realize just how alone he really was. 

By the time Evan made it to the bathroom to brush his teeth he was a bit more awake, but the exhaustion continued to weigh heavy on him.

He briefly considered calling his mom, but… it was only the second day of school, she would see that as a step back for him to be needing a mental health day already. So he pushed himself to the kitchen, he mindlessly ate toast that tasted like nothing and headed out to the bus.

Evan hated the bus. He always had. He waited with a mix of middle schoolers and younger high school students who couldn’t drive yet. Evan was always quiet, trying not to draw any attention to himself as he idly played with his phone. The other kids talked while they waited. Evan’s street was one of the last stops which was the second part of the nightmare that was his school bus. By the time they reached Evan’s street the bus was already full. He was always forced to sit with someone or sometimes they had to shove three into a seat. It was a lot less stressful on the way home since he was one of the only ones left on the bus by the time they reached his house. But mornings, yea, those fucking sucked.

By the time Evan got to the high school, he had fifteen minutes until his first period. At least his bus wasn’t one of the ones that were late almost every day, that would be far worse for Evan’s health.

Sometimes his mom drove him, but then he had to be there an hour early and there was almost nothing worse than sitting in the empty library alone on his phone while the librarian stared at him as he waited for his classes to start.  

Evan kept his head down and walked straight to his locker. He grabbed what he needed for the day and looked around cautiously for anyone who might be looking at him. No one. Good. Hopefully the events of yesterday had already been long forgotten. Evan could go back to slipping through his day unseen, blissfully unnoticed--

“Oh my god Hansen, what the fuck happened to your cast?”

Evan jumped, slamming his locker shut and spinning around to find Jared. “E-excuse me?” Evan asked.

“Someone actually signed it?” Jared was snickering. “Connor. Like Connor Murphy?”

Evan shrugged, trying to hide his cast against his side. “So what if he did? No one else offered.” He tried to give Jared a pointed look but it came off a lot more pathetic and ‘kicked-puppy’ like. 

“What, so you guys are all buddy-buddy now? The freak and the loser?” Jared cackled. “What’d you have to do to get him to sign your cast? Suck him off?”

“No! Jared, what the fuck?” Evan protested. “He just… offered, okay?”

“And you let him defile you like that?”

Evan looked down at the large letters stretching across his cast. It was the only thing that was able to convince Evan that his encounter with Connor last night hadn’t been some kind of weird dream.

“I don’t know Jared, uh, maybe I wanted… to  _ not _ have a blank cast?” Evan’s brow furrowed. “Nothing screams  _ loser _ more than having no friends to sign my cast, right?”

Jared frowned. “I’m your friend,”

“ _ Family _ friend.” Evan corrected, not looking at him. “That doesn’t include signing my cast like  _ normal _ friends do, you said so yourself--”

“God, Evan, if it’s  _ that _ big of a deal to you--”

“Forget it,” Evan cut him off. His heart was pounding irregularly in his chest and he had a sour taste in his mouth. “I’ll--uh--I’ll see you later,”

“Later,” Jared snapped, moving away before Evan had the chance to first. Evan felt a wave of dread hit him suddenly. He shouldn’t have talked to Jared like that, why did it make him so upset anyway? Jared had told him for years that they were  _ family friends _ and that was different from being friends. Jared only talked to Evan for so his parents would pay for his car insurance--he  _ knew _ that, so Evan shouldn’t have felt as bitter as he did that Jared didn’t treat him like a friend.

Yet he had gotten mad. Evan suddenly wished he had the ability to take back everything he said. He was exhausted and that’s why he was acting like this. 

Evan tried to swallow past the lump of guilt in his throat. He had asked Jared to sign his cast the other day shortly before the Connor Murphy incident the day before. He had asked because they were  _ friends _ and Jared had corrected him. Family friends--that was a whole different thing. 

It wasn’t totally unfair for Evan to be feeling bitter, was it? 

He still felt guilt sitting at the bottom of his stomach.

The first period passed, then second. Evan paid as much attention as he could, scribbling out notes and trying not to lose focus. He just needed to make it through five more hours and then he could sleep off this heaviness. 

Evan made it to his third class of the day without incident. He paused in the doorway, eyes scanning the room of his English class. He had failed to notice Connor Murphy, head down on his desk, in the back corner of the classroom the day before, but today, Evan was all too aware of the other boy.

Evan crossed the classroom, dropping into his seat quickly. He shot another look back at Connor, who at this point, seemed rather unresponsive. Evan didn’t know if he was supposed to say something, were they friends now? He wasn’t sure, did he even want to be friends with Connor? The other boy said that he didn’t have any friends either. Was that some kind of invitation?

Evan’s head felt like it was spinning. He had already pissed off his only ‘family’ friend, there wasn’t any other damage he could do at this point.

Evan gathered his stuff and quietly moved back a few desks until he was across from Connor before anyone else could make their way into the classroom. Mrs. Bradley didn’t really care about a seating chart so he didn’t really have to worry about her either.

Connor must have noticed him sitting down because he turned his head to glance over. Evan gave him a nervous smile and small wave of his hand. It was painfully awkward, but Connor lifted his head from the desk and gave his own small wave back. Out of all of the exchanges he’d had with Connor Murphy, it certainly wasn’t the worst, especially since Connor acknowledged his existence.

“Hey,” Connor finally said. Evan noticed how tired he looked bundled up in his black sweater and sporting visible bags under his eyes. Evan wasn’t sure that he looked much better.

“Hi,” Evan replied. He tried hard not to sound nervous--he was a bit anxious since he didn’t know exactly what Connor was thinking. Maybe this was weird? Was Evan coming across as desperate for friends after what Connor had said last night? His leg bounced with energy under his desk.

“You look tired,” Connor commented, resting his head against his propped up hand. 

Evan nodded, rearranging his things on his desk. “I am,” He glanced over at Connor’s tired eyes. “So do you,”

Connor nodded a bit absently. “Yea, late night,”

Class started before their conversation could go any further. Evan had less trouble paying attention than Connor did. He caught the other boy staring out the window and fiddling around with his pen relentlessly throughout the class period. Evan wrote notes on the lecture and tried not to look over at Connor more than average. He was still anxious that Connor was just being polite. Maybe he found Evan annoying for sitting next to him. They talked the night before but that hadn’t been a normal night for either of them. Connor had even stood up for him without knowing Evan, but maybe he was reading into the situation too much--maybe Connor hadn’t wanted Evan to take it as an invitation to start talking to him. 

He tried to train his thoughts on his notebook, the more he thought about Connor, the more he worried he was annoying.

The bell finally rang. Evan slipped his notebooks and pens into his bag quickly. It was lunch now, so Evan was ready to hide in the library and eat his peanut butter and jelly sandwich alone and far, far away from the cafeteria.

Connor caught him before Evan could slip away into the busy hallway. “Hey,” He said again. “Do you wanna… eat lunch together?” Connor winced at his own words like he couldn’t quite understand why he sounded so uncertain about what he was saying.

“Uh, yea!” Evan smiled nervously. Connor nodded. 

“Library?”

“Definitely,”

They walked together quietly and quickly to the library. It was pretty easy to find a table near the computers, behind some bookcases. It was quiet which was nice. Connor set his messenger bag on the table, digging through it until he found a caprisun and a slightly crushed sandwich. Evan nervously pulled his own sandwich out of his bag. 

“Are you feeling better?” Connor asked eventually, picking idly at his sandwich. He was looking anywhere but at Evan. This was awkward. Was that bad? Did Connor notice?

“Since last night?” Evan asked.

“Yea,”

“Oh, well, I guess a little bit.”  

Connor took a bite of his crushed sandwich, making a face as he chewed. “That’s good,”

“How--uh I mean--why were you in the park last night?” Evan asked. He cringed at his question, maybe he was being nosy?

“No reason,” Connor replied. He had set his sandwich down, staring blankly at the table. “Just needed some air and I happened to walk by.”

“O-Oh I see,”

“Why were you there?”

Evan shrugged. Because he couldn’t stand to be alone in his house? Because he was hoping that maybe he would have the confidence to walk in front of a moving vehicle? “I--well my mom’s not home a lot and I… Uh I just wanted to be somewhere else I guess…?”

Connor nodded, his eyes met Evan’s for a moment and it was… strange to see someone look so empty. It was almost overwhelming to be faced with such a blank expression. It was like everything Evan had felt when he was on the edge, crystal clear nothingness. 

Evan also noticed the spot of brown in one of Connor’s piercing blue eyes. He looked away quickly. 

“What’s your next class?” Connor asked.

“Environmental Science,” Evan tried not to let his reply sound too robotic. He didn’t know what he should be feeling.

“Oh cool,” Connor replied. “Do you like… nature?” 

Evan nodded, suddenly enthusiastic. “I love nature, I worked as an apprentice park ranger over the summer,”

“Interesting, so do you still like trees after falling out of one?” Connor’s voice sounded lighter than before, Evan tried not to think too much about his question since it was meant to be poking fun at Evan. 

“Uh, you know, I don’t think I’ll be climbing one any time soon… but I don’t blame the tree, it was my own clumsiness,” He forced a smile, his stomach churning with something ugly.

“How tall was the tree?”

_ Not tall enough. _

“It was… pretty tall.” Evan got out. “I wasn’t up very high,”

“Don’t pursue tree trimming as your career, Ev,” Connor smirked. 

Evan laughed softly. “I won’t,” 

They went back to eating in silence. But it wasn’t a bad or awkward silence, it was relatively comfortable besides the way Evan’s thoughts were clouding him. He wasn’t overly comfortable talking about his ‘fall’ over the summer. He didn’t want Connor to read into it too much, let it pass by like the unimportant event it was. No one had found him anyway, he had to walk back and ask someone to drive him to the hospital. It was like it had never even happened, there was no one around to see him fall. He hadn’t even made a sound.

Would he ever?


End file.
